We Will Schlock You is a series at The Nerds Templar where we take a look at bad B-Movies, So-Bad-They’re-Good, Over-the-Top Ridiculous, most likely to involve sharks schlock. Movies that are so bad you can’t help but enjoy them.

What We Thought:

I have known about The VelociPastor for months. It’s one of those movies that sounds right up my alley. Something you know will be laughably bad yet highly, highly enjoyable. After finally being able to watch it, not only did it meet all my expectations, but surpassed them as well.

The film is about a priest who sees his parents get blown up outside his church. He goes to China (at least that’s where the screen says he is, watch it, you’ll understand). He meets a Chinese woman who hands him an item. He then inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. He returns home and meets a hooker and they team up to fight off bad guys with his new found abilities. Ninjas want him dead and of course there’s an epic battle at the end.

The movie checks off everything you want in a bad, B-Movie. It has terrible effects. A ridiculous story. Ludicrous characters. A hooker. Ninjas. A man in a dinosaur costume. A guy wearing jeans when he’s supposed to be a soldier in ‘Nam. Another soldier in ‘Nam wearing black Vans sneakers. Asian stereotypes. Blood gags. Long unnecessary pauses. A twist with a character that makes no sense, but gets explained with flashbacks. A pimp slap. The only thing it’s really missing is nudity, but there is a sex scene that goes on longer than it should (no, not quite The Room long, but long enough).

Within 6 minutes of the film I had laughed out loud multiple times. I have a soft spot for these types of movies and this is one of the better ones I’ve seen in years. The filmmakers knew what they were making and didn’t try to make it something it’s not. I respect that. Not every film can be Gone with the Wind. More films could be like this if you intentionally make them that way. They use grind house type visual effects with costume effects and blood work. It’s not high class nor should it be. It’s something I’ve already told a friend to watch and will be a movie I tell others to see if they haven’t already.

The VelociPastor is damn near perfect ridiculousness. It’s exactly what I wanted and needed during this time. The film ends in a way that a sequel could get made and I’d watch the hell out of it if it does. If you like movies like Wolf Cop, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Sexsquatch and other “So Bad They’re Good” movies then this is…


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