We Will Schlock You is a new series at The Nerds Templar where we take a look at bad B-Movies, So-Bad-They’re-Good, Over-the-Top Ridiculous, most likely to involve sharks schlock. Movies that are so bad you can’t help, but enjoy them.
First in the series is Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Kino Lorber releases the film on Blu-ray February 6th and I was able to watch it for the first time. This 1989 Italian produced film based on an Edgar Allan Poe short story stars Lou Ferrigno as Sinbad. Let that all sink in. The former TV Hulk stars as the iconic Middle Eastern sailor in a movie based off a short by the King of the Emos Edgar Allan Poe. Although from what I gather it’s not very similar to Poe’s story. Right away you know you are in for a treat! An absolute trainwreck of a treat.
The film opens with a mother telling her child a bedtime story. She narrates the film in a sort of The Princess Bride way. Then we are taken to the Middle East where the city of Basra goes from good to bad because of the wizard Jaffar. He makes the town dark and brainwashes the king to get with Princess Alina. In order to save the day, the legendary Sinbad must track down gems to beat Jaffar. He faces Amazons, Ghosts and beasts on his journey.
Now if Lou Ferrigno playing a Middle Eastern character isn’t bad enough, you need to see the other characters. You have white people playing the princess, Jaffar, the king and more. And if you want to get super non-politically correct, check out the names of Sinbad’s crew. There is an Asian actor playing Samurai, a clearly token Asian stereotype because all Asians are good at martial arts. There’s Viking played by an Italian and the Little Person in the movie is actually named Midget. Yep the midget is named Midget. There are scantily clad women with spears as the Amazons and much, much more. Looking at it by today’s standards, people would riot in the streets over the movie.
But that’s also why I loved it. It’s an awful movie, but it’s a lot of fun. The production value is terrible. The fight choreography is laughably bad. There is one scene where Sinbad knocks bad guys into a tub like thing and you can see the guys aiming for it. The fighting is so staged and slow and you see swords missing and so on. And for a movie that’s based many, many years in the past, how are there lasers? Jaffar is a wizard, I get it, but why does his lair look like a set out of Sam J. Jones’s Flash Gordon filled with lasers? I had a ton of fun laughing at it, not with it.
That’s how you have to look at Sinbad of the Seven Seas. If you watch it for pure enjoyment, you will have fun. If you watch it as a movie that RiffTrax/Mystery Science Theater 3000 would talk over, it’s a lot of fun. If you watch it with today’s PC views you will hate every minute of it. Shut your brain off for about 90 minutes and laugh.